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Posts tagged: Barack Obama

OBAMA: Alright, George, you wanna handle this press conference?BUSH: Hell no.  I’m retired.  Clinton loved this shit, why don’t you go be President again, Bill?CLINTON: Nope.  I wanted the job back for the longest time, but even I didn’t have to deal with crap like this.OBAMA: Come on, guys.  Help a brother out.BUSH: I didn’t even think I’d have to come back here again.  Why didn’t you call my dad to do this?OBAMA: Your dad is 162 years old.  I think he’s done enough for his countryCLINTON: Yeah, plus you’re SO good at handling disasters, George.BUSH: I’m never going to live that Katrina thing down, am I?  OBAMA: You did drop the ball on that one.BUSH: Oh, I’m sorry, I thought I was hanging out with President Obama.  Can you tell me where to go so I can show that I care about black people, Kanye West?CLINTON: Come on, guys.  This is for the people of Haiti.OBAMA: George, I’ll never criticize your administration again if you take all the questions in this press conference.BUSH: Fuck that.  I’d rather be the taste-tester for Haitian drinking water.CLINTON:  You might not want to say that into the microphone.OBAMA: Seriously, one of you guys needs to take this one.  I need a break.  Bill…I’ll send Hillary on a diplomatic trip to Neptune if you handle this.CLINTON:  Nope.  You’re on your own, kid.  I had my issues with Haiti in 1994.  Send Colin Powell and Jimmy Carter down there like I did.OBAMA: But that was a political crisis, not a catastrophic disaster.  It is vastly more dangerous now.BUSH: Exactly.  Send Colin Powell and Jimmy Carter down there.  I hate those dudes.CLINTON: Ditto.  They are total dicks.OBAMA: What do I have to do?  I’m begging you guys…just this once…wait…what are you two laughing at?BUSH: Nothing…it’s just that…CLINTON: Don’t tell him!  BUSH: I have to, man.  I feel bad for him.  OBAMA: What is it?CLINTON: Fine.  We were going to play a practical joke on you.  When all the Presidents get together for a press conference like this, one of the ex-Presidents usually unzips his pants and lets a ball slide out while the current President speaks.OBAMA: Jesus.BUSH: Yeah…Bill actually did it at my Inauguration! CLINTON: Oh, that wasn’t a practical joke.  I was trying to hook up with Ruth Bader Ginsburg.BUSH: You hit that?  I always pegged you more as a Sandra Day O’Connor fan.CLINTON: Yeah, I nailed her, too.OBAMA: Guys, I don’t need this.CLINTON: When I was President, Gerald Ford pulled his entire dick out behind my back at the NAFTA press conference.  You remember that, George?BUSH: Nah, I was drunk until sometime in 1996.OBAMA: Alright, it’s time.  You guys might want to stop laughing.CLINTON: Shit, what do we care?  Constitutionally, we’re not even allowed to run for President again!  What do we have to lose?OBAMA: People’s respect?  It might tarnish your legacies.CLINTON: Legacies?  I got impeached and Dubya started like fifteen wars that we KNOW of.  BUSH: He’s right, Barack.  Hell, we might both pull our balls out.OBAMA: Please…think of the people in Haiti.CLINTON: He’s got a point, George.  We’ll just give Obama a wedgie instead.  Oh…shhh…here’s the press.  Serious faces.BUSH: I can’t stop smiling.CLINTON: Think of Hillary and Condoleeza Rice passionately kissing each other while wearing white latex bodysuits and standing in the middle of some sprinklers.BUSH: Jesus Christ.  I wish you would have taught me that trick when I was President so I didn’t come across as such a smarmy prick all the time.OBAMA: Alright…just go back into the White House, please.  I got this.

OBAMA: Alright, George, you wanna handle this press conference?
BUSH: Hell no.  I’m retired.  Clinton loved this shit, why don’t you go be President again, Bill?
CLINTON: Nope.  I wanted the job back for the longest time, but even I didn’t have to deal with crap like this.
OBAMA: Come on, guys.  Help a brother out.
BUSH: I didn’t even think I’d have to come back here again.  Why didn’t you call my dad to do this?
OBAMA: Your dad is 162 years old.  I think he’s done enough for his country
CLINTON: Yeah, plus you’re SO good at handling disasters, George.
BUSH: I’m never going to live that Katrina thing down, am I? 
OBAMA: You did drop the ball on that one.
BUSH: Oh, I’m sorry, I thought I was hanging out with President Obama.  Can you tell me where to go so I can show that I care about black people, Kanye West?
CLINTON: Come on, guys.  This is for the people of Haiti.
OBAMA: George, I’ll never criticize your administration again if you take all the questions in this press conference.
BUSH: Fuck that.  I’d rather be the taste-tester for Haitian drinking water.
CLINTON:  You might not want to say that into the microphone.
OBAMA: Seriously, one of you guys needs to take this one.  I need a break.  Bill…I’ll send Hillary on a diplomatic trip to Neptune if you handle this.
CLINTON:  Nope.  You’re on your own, kid.  I had my issues with Haiti in 1994.  Send Colin Powell and Jimmy Carter down there like I did.
OBAMA: But that was a political crisis, not a catastrophic disaster.  It is vastly more dangerous now.
BUSH: Exactly.  Send Colin Powell and Jimmy Carter down there.  I hate those dudes.
CLINTON: Ditto.  They are total dicks.
OBAMA: What do I have to do?  I’m begging you guys…just this once…wait…what are you two laughing at?
BUSH: Nothing…it’s just that…
CLINTON: Don’t tell him! 
BUSH: I have to, man.  I feel bad for him. 
OBAMA: What is it?
CLINTON: Fine.  We were going to play a practical joke on you.  When all the Presidents get together for a press conference like this, one of the ex-Presidents usually unzips his pants and lets a ball slide out while the current President speaks.
OBAMA: Jesus.
BUSH: Yeah…Bill actually did it at my Inauguration!
CLINTON: Oh, that wasn’t a practical joke.  I was trying to hook up with Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
BUSH: You hit that?  I always pegged you more as a Sandra Day O’Connor fan.
CLINTON: Yeah, I nailed her, too.
OBAMA: Guys, I don’t need this.
CLINTON: When I was President, Gerald Ford pulled his entire dick out behind my back at the NAFTA press conference.  You remember that, George?
BUSH: Nah, I was drunk until sometime in 1996.
OBAMA: Alright, it’s time.  You guys might want to stop laughing.
CLINTON: Shit, what do we care?  Constitutionally, we’re not even allowed to run for President again!  What do we have to lose?
OBAMA: People’s respect?  It might tarnish your legacies.
CLINTON: Legacies?  I got impeached and Dubya started like fifteen wars that we KNOW of. 
BUSH: He’s right, Barack.  Hell, we might both pull our balls out.
OBAMA: Please…think of the people in Haiti.
CLINTON: He’s got a point, George.  We’ll just give Obama a wedgie instead.  Oh…shhh…here’s the press.  Serious faces.
BUSH: I can’t stop smiling.
CLINTON: Think of Hillary and Condoleeza Rice passionately kissing each other while wearing white latex bodysuits and standing in the middle of some sprinklers.
BUSH: Jesus Christ.  I wish you would have taught me that trick when I was President so I didn’t come across as such a smarmy prick all the time.
OBAMA: Alright…just go back into the White House, please.  I got this.

1/16/10, 8:50pm SHORT URL: http://tmblr.co/ZhPTbyKBQLm FILED UNDER: #Historically accurate transcriptions  #Barack Obama  #George W. Bush  #Bill Clinton  #Haiti 
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HILLARY: I respectfully disagree with you, Senator, and as I’ve said, I believe my experience makes me a stronger candidate for the Presidency -OBAMA: Well, Senator, I respectfully believe you should read between the lines.HILLARY: Are you flipping me off?OBAMA: Would you rather I just say “Go fuck yourself”?HILLARY: DON’T MAKE ME GET OUT OF THIS CHAIR.OBAMA: If you don’t think I’ll choke a bitch, you better do your research.  I’m from the ‘hood.HILLARY: Shit, I was born in Chicago.  You moved there when you got tired of shaking coconuts out of trees.OBAMA: Funny that you mention nuts…from what your husband tells me, you haven’t been interested in them for 30 years.HILLARY: [Huffs]OBAMA: [To moderator]  Now, as I was saying, my plan -HILLARY: [Under her breath]  At least I’m not black.OBAMA: Excuse me, Senator?HILLARY: I’m sorry.  That was completely inappropriate.  For you to be considered black, you would need to go back to Hawaii and work on your tan.OBAMA: And, I assume you’ve been putting on all that weight so Bill will fuck you.HILLARY: That was a personal matter that was resolved between -OBAMA: Between you, your husband, the House of Representatives, the United States Senate, and 300 million Americans watching on television.HILLARY: Listen, we can settle this later, but I think we can both agree that neither of us wants John McCain’s old-ass as President.OBAMA: Agreed.  No one wants a President who can’t signal for a touchdown.HILLARY: Exactly.    OBAMA: I want my Commander-in-Chief to be able to salute without bending over.  HILLARY: Yes.  The American people deserve a President who doesn’t look as if he just got out of a Jay-Z music video.OBAMA: Yes, and a President who…wait…what?MODERATOR: And we’re out of time!  Thank you to Senators Obama and Clinton.HILLARY: [Reaching for handshake]  Gotcha good, fucker.OBAMA: [Reaching for handshake]  See you on Super Tuesday, cunt. (This was a collaborative effort between my girlfriend and I.  You would be surprised at what lines were hers!)

HILLARY: I respectfully disagree with you, Senator, and as I’ve said, I believe my experience makes me a stronger candidate for the Presidency -
OBAMA: Well, Senator, I respectfully believe you should read between the lines.
HILLARY: Are you flipping me off?
OBAMA: Would you rather I just say “Go fuck yourself”?
HILLARY: DON’T MAKE ME GET OUT OF THIS CHAIR.
OBAMA: If you don’t think I’ll choke a bitch, you better do your research.  I’m from the ‘hood.
HILLARY: Shit, I was born in Chicago.  You moved there when you got tired of shaking coconuts out of trees.
OBAMA: Funny that you mention nuts…from what your husband tells me, you haven’t been interested in them for 30 years.
HILLARY: [Huffs]
OBAMA: [To moderator]  Now, as I was saying, my plan -
HILLARY: [Under her breath]  At least I’m not black.
OBAMA: Excuse me, Senator?
HILLARY: I’m sorry.  That was completely inappropriate.  For you to be considered black, you would need to go back to Hawaii and work on your tan.
OBAMA: And, I assume you’ve been putting on all that weight so Bill will fuck you.
HILLARY: That was a personal matter that was resolved between -
OBAMA: Between you, your husband, the House of Representatives, the United States Senate, and 300 million Americans watching on television.
HILLARY: Listen, we can settle this later, but I think we can both agree that neither of us wants John McCain’s old-ass as President.
OBAMA: Agreed.  No one wants a President who can’t signal for a touchdown.
HILLARY: Exactly.   
OBAMA: I want my Commander-in-Chief to be able to salute without bending over. 
HILLARY: Yes.  The American people deserve a President who doesn’t look as if he just got out of a Jay-Z music video.
OBAMA: Yes, and a President who…wait…what?
MODERATOR: And we’re out of time!  Thank you to Senators Obama and Clinton.
HILLARY: [Reaching for handshake]  Gotcha good, fucker.
OBAMA: [Reaching for handshake]  See you on Super Tuesday, cunt.

(This was a collaborative effort between my girlfriend and I.  You would be surprised at what lines were hers!)

HIGH RES NOTES: 71 11/26/09, 11:02pm SHORT URL: http://tmblr.co/ZhPTbyFStCT FILED UNDER: #Historically Accurate transcriptions  #Barack Obama  #Hillary Clinton 
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BUSH 43: Bill…Holy shit, this guy’s really black!CLINTON:  Dude, you screwed up so badly that America elected a black guy.BUSH 43: I thought it was just a rumor.  I didn’t know he was seriously a black dude.  Like…wow…he’s not white.  We elected a black President!CLINTON: You know, I think we can take him.  I’ll dive for the legs and you get him in a headlock.BUSH 43: And then what?CLINTON: Well, I’ll just get my shit and move in.  Don’t tell Hillary.  We’re going to keep it on the DL this time around.BUSH 41: What are you guys whispering about over there?BUSH 43: Nothing, Dad!  (Whispers to Clinton)  Is that old fart ever going to kick it?  He’s not supposed to outlive me.  John Quincy Adams must have had it easy when his dad croaked.CLINTON: He’s in better shape than any of us — including Tiger Woods over there.OBAMA: (Thinking to himself)  Holy shit, I can’t believe America elected me.  I’m black for fuck’s sake!  A black President!  This isn’t the movies!  I’m not Morgan Freeman in “Deep Impact”!BUSH 43: I know that I have to be President until January 20th, but do I really have to do anything?  I need a vacation.  Can’t I just go home now?CLINTON: Well, I was pardoning people up until the moment the Chief Justice administered the Oath.  I mean, seriously, I was literally pardoning people while I sat on the dais at the Inauguration in 2001.BUSH 41: Hey son, how about you stop whispering and start acting Presidential.  Shake this colored fella’s hand.  He won’t get any on you.OBAMA: What?BUSH 43: Don’t worry, Arsenio, he lost his mind on his last parachute jump.  He’s just a crazy old man.BUSH 41: A crazy old man who will open a can of whoop-ass on you, Junior.OBAMA: (Thinking to himself)  I wonder if I still have to be President if I just run out the doors right now.  This is like inheriting the Titanic after it hit the iceberg.CLINTON: You know what’s strange?  It still smells like cigars and fat girls in here.BUSH 43: I had the carpet cleaned, but I think you pretty much ruined the Oval Office with that Lewinsky crap.CLINTON: Yeah, we should definitely overlook the economic growth, budget surplus, and welfare reform simply because I got frisky with an intern.BUSH 41, OBAMA & BUSH 43 SIMULTANEOUSLY: A FAT INTERN!CLINTON: Alright, I get it.  As if impeachment wasn’t embarrassing enough.BUSH 41: I knew I should have worn a diaper.OBAMA: (Thinking to himself)  First of all, I wonder if Papa Bush realizes he said that out loud.  And, secondly, I’m beginning to realize I made a HUGE mistake.  I could be playing basketball in Hawaii for the next eight years!  Also, I’M BLACK!  I’m not saying we can’t be in charge; I’m just saying we SHOULDN’T be in charge yet!  Tupac said so in “Changes”.BUSH 43: What are we here for again?  And why is Jimmy Carter cut out of the picture?  Hey, Bryant Gumbel, why are you standing next to my dad?OBAMA: You’re running out of light-skinned black celebrities, aren’t you?BUSH 43: Yes, Mario Van Peebles.  Okay, I’m definitely out of them now.BUSH 41: Hey Clinton, why do you have a boner?CLINTON: I don’t know.  This room just reminds me of spraying spider webs all over blue dresses.OBAMA: (Thinking to himself)  I could probably get out of this situation right now if I say something in Arabic.BUSH 41: Now which one of us says “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”?

BUSH 43: Bill…Holy shit, this guy’s really black!
CLINTON:  Dude, you screwed up so badly that America elected a black guy.
BUSH 43: I thought it was just a rumor.  I didn’t know he was seriously a black dude.  Like…wow…he’s not white.  We elected a black President!
CLINTON: You know, I think we can take him.  I’ll dive for the legs and you get him in a headlock.
BUSH 43: And then what?
CLINTON: Well, I’ll just get my shit and move in.  Don’t tell Hillary.  We’re going to keep it on the DL this time around.
BUSH 41: What are you guys whispering about over there?
BUSH 43: Nothing, Dad!  (Whispers to Clinton)  Is that old fart ever going to kick it?  He’s not supposed to outlive me.  John Quincy Adams must have had it easy when his dad croaked.
CLINTON: He’s in better shape than any of us — including Tiger Woods over there.
OBAMA: (Thinking to himself)  Holy shit, I can’t believe America elected me.  I’m black for fuck’s sake!  A black President!  This isn’t the movies!  I’m not Morgan Freeman in “Deep Impact”!
BUSH 43: I know that I have to be President until January 20th, but do I really have to do anything?  I need a vacation.  Can’t I just go home now?
CLINTON: Well, I was pardoning people up until the moment the Chief Justice administered the Oath.  I mean, seriously, I was literally pardoning people while I sat on the dais at the Inauguration in 2001.
BUSH 41: Hey son, how about you stop whispering and start acting Presidential.  Shake this colored fella’s hand.  He won’t get any on you.
OBAMA: What?
BUSH 43: Don’t worry, Arsenio, he lost his mind on his last parachute jump.  He’s just a crazy old man.
BUSH 41: A crazy old man who will open a can of whoop-ass on you, Junior.
OBAMA: (Thinking to himself)  I wonder if I still have to be President if I just run out the doors right now.  This is like inheriting the Titanic after it hit the iceberg.
CLINTON: You know what’s strange?  It still smells like cigars and fat girls in here.
BUSH 43: I had the carpet cleaned, but I think you pretty much ruined the Oval Office with that Lewinsky crap.
CLINTON: Yeah, we should definitely overlook the economic growth, budget surplus, and welfare reform simply because I got frisky with an intern.
BUSH 41, OBAMA & BUSH 43 SIMULTANEOUSLY: A FAT INTERN!
CLINTON: Alright, I get it.  As if impeachment wasn’t embarrassing enough.
BUSH 41: I knew I should have worn a diaper.
OBAMA: (Thinking to himself)  First of all, I wonder if Papa Bush realizes he said that out loud.  And, secondly, I’m beginning to realize I made a HUGE mistake.  I could be playing basketball in Hawaii for the next eight years!  Also, I’M BLACK!  I’m not saying we can’t be in charge; I’m just saying we SHOULDN’T be in charge yet!  Tupac said so in “Changes”.
BUSH 43: What are we here for again?  And why is Jimmy Carter cut out of the picture?  Hey, Bryant Gumbel, why are you standing next to my dad?
OBAMA: You’re running out of light-skinned black celebrities, aren’t you?
BUSH 43: Yes, Mario Van Peebles.  Okay, I’m definitely out of them now.
BUSH 41: Hey Clinton, why do you have a boner?
CLINTON: I don’t know.  This room just reminds me of spraying spider webs all over blue dresses.
OBAMA: (Thinking to himself)  I could probably get out of this situation right now if I say something in Arabic.
BUSH 41: Now which one of us says “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”?

HIGH RES NOTES: 1 11/13/09, 10:19am SHORT URL: http://tmblr.co/ZhPTbyEU3F1 FILED UNDER: #Historically accurate transcriptions  #George W. Bush  #George H.W. Bush  #Bill Clinton  #Barack Obama 
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Vacation

If President Obama’s week keeps going the way it has started, he may end up needing a vacation from vacation.

PRINT THIS POST WORDS: NOTES: 5 8/26/09, 7:03am SHORT URL: http://tmblr.co/ZhPTbyAGeLk FILED UNDER: #Barack Obama  #President Obama 
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Surreal

The President is going to visit “The Tonight Show” next week for an interview with Jay Leno.  It truly is a brand-new world when the President of the United States starts hitting the late-night talk show circuit.

I wonder how pissed off Letterman is about this?

PRINT THIS POST WORDS: 3/17/09, 3:06am SHORT URL: http://tmblr.co/ZhPTby5CjeK FILED UNDER: #Barack Obama  #Jay Leno  #Tonight Show  #President Obama 
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