Anthony Bergen

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"Here's a sigh to those who love me, And a smile to those who hate: And, whatever sky's above me, Here's a heart for every fate."

I rarely have anything important or interesting to say, but if I do, you can usually count on me to say it in a fairly entertaining way. For the most part, I will use this blog because it seems like a fun thing to play with. Like the rest of my phases, this will likely burn out quickly. Instead of a blaze of glory, however, it will simply smolder until someone steps on it like an irritating fire just begging to be extinguished.

Metaphors are for assholes.

"I'll publish right or wrong: Fools are my theme, let satire be my song." - Lord Byron

E-mail: bergen.anthony@gmail.com

August 26, 2009

I Am Sorry

Earlier today, I reblogged a post about a heroic American soldier who was disfigured and whose love story didn’t have the fairy tale ending that we all genuinely wish it would have. I made some jokes that were inappropriate and offensive. What I wrote bothered quite a few people, some of whom have called me an “asshole”, “heartless”, and many other names that I cannot disagree with. With that in mind and with a heavy heart (I do have one), I want to say that I am sorry…

I am sorry that I didn’t say that he looked like a Mr. Potato Head that melted in the microwave.

I am sorry that I didn’t refer to him as a stick of butter in a uniform.

I am sorry that I didn’t wonder whether or not you can use his head to copy comics from the newspaper like the Silly Putty you get from the store.

I am sorry that he looks like The Invisible Man with rotting bandages.

I am sorry that he didn’t have the common courtesy to wear a hat so that he doesn’t scare the shit out of children.

I am sorry if he is mistaken for one of the Coneheads.

I am sorry that he has to draw his facial expressions on a whiteboard to indicate what he is feeling.

I am sorry that the young lady in the story stuck by her lifelong plan to never marry someone without eyebrows.

I am sorry that the only Halloween costume this guy can pull off is Emmett Till.

I am sorry that you are so upset over this, yet I don’t see any of you running off to find Ol’ Vanilla Ice Cream Head on Facebook.

I am sorry that his wife looks shell-shocked in the wedding picture because she realized she is going to wake up every morning and think she married a candle.

I am sorry that you think that I would be sorry about what I said.

I am sorry, but I’m never going to be sorry. I make jokes. You don’t have to laugh at them. You can call me an asshole. But, guess what? I KNOW I’m an asshole. But I’m a fucking FUNNY asshole. Also, my face is still where it is supposed to be. You can make fun of me when I invade someone else’s country and get my lips blown off.

I win. Fuck you.

5:23pm | URL: http://anthonybergen.tumblr.com/post/172512386/i-am-sorry
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