I rarely have anything important or interesting to say, but if I do, you can usually count on me to say it in a fairly entertaining way. For the most part, I will use this blog because it seems like a fun thing to play with. Like the rest of my phases, this will likely burn out quickly. Instead of a blaze of glory, however, it will simply smolder until someone steps on it like an irritating fire just begging to be extinguished.
Metaphors are for assholes.
"I'll publish right or wrong: Fools are my theme, let satire be my song." - Lord Byron
E-mail me: bergen.anthony@gmail.com
I also write about Dead Presidents
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ANTHONY:
Plus, there will be some collateral damage and we should come to terms with that. Some cute dolphin is gonna get its stupid snout tied up in plastic soda rings meant for a shark or a cat to choke on.
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ERICA:
HEY. I love dolphins.
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ANTHONY:
They are wonderful little creatures, but who doesn't want to punch a dolphin?
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ERICA:
HEY.
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ANTHONY:
I just want to make one mad.
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ERICA:
I LOVE DOLPHINS.
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ANTHONY:
They always look like they are smiling. It's creepy. They are up to something.
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ERICA:
I love it! I always wanted to swim with one. STOP MAKING FUN OF DOLPHINS!
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ANTHONY:
Dolphins have to get mad at something. I'm sure a punch right between their eyes would show us the real side of dolphins. I'm telling you, they are secretly trying to kill us. They are like the al-Qaeda of the sea.
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ERICA:
One day you're going to regret that when you find yourself about to be eaten by a shark and a dolphin is nearby and rather than save you, it turns its pretty dolphin head away and says, "fag". And then you die. The end.
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ANTHONY:
I won't be surprised. They are evil. They are brilliantly evil, too. They have people like you suckered in. Then they all gather in the Atlantic and build a hurricane and they laugh at us.
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ERICA:
They have incredible mental capabilities for mammals. Oh, you have no idea how much I've loved dolphins all my life. I wanted to be a marine biologist when I was younger.
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ANTHONY:
Dolphins are assholes. There's no way that anything is that friendly and wonderful and cute. They are the rapists of the ocean.
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ERICA:
You're an asshole.
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ANTHONY:
The truth hurts, doesn't it? Part of you is starting to realize that, yes, they ARE too perfect. Every other animal in the world has a dark side, but not dolphins? Oh yes, they have planned this very well. Very clever work over the years, but I know what's up.
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ERICA:
They do have a dark side. Sometimes they kill their young. Do you really want to talk about this? I could throw facts about dolphins all day.
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ANTHONY:
I just threw facts about dolphins. THEY BUILD HURRICANES AND RAPE WALRUSES.
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ERICA:
Your facts ARE COMPLETELY FABRICATED. THOSE AREN'T FACTS, THOSE ARE LIES. YOU ARE FULL OF LIES.
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ANTHONY:
You're yelling at me.
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ERICA:
Because you're making fun of dolphins. Dolphins make me so happy. You have no idea. I feel about marine biology and dolphins like you feel about Presidents.
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ANTHONY:
I'm not making fun of dolphins. I'm warning you about them.
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ERICA:
Warning me?
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ANTHONY:
I don't find anything funny about dolphins. I take the threat very seriously, obviously.
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