This page is pretty simple and not at all self-important. It’s a collection of my best posts, some of which are funny, some of which are serious, some of which are seriously funny, and some which are neither serious or funny. One thing is certain: this is a hell of a lot easier to navigate than Tumblr’s goofy archive. (Updated May 8, 2010)
I.
This is what a more pretentious person would call my Writing Portfolio. I’ll call it my “Writing Portfolio”:
•Throwback: A Rich Football History (10.31.8 - originally written in 2005)
•Time For Him To Go (Or, The Dumbest Idea Ever) (11.24.8)
•Dear Minnesota (12.20.8)
•Sorry, Snoop Dogg; NorCal Has Arrived (12.21.8)
•Blago The Great (1.28.9)
•Free Blago! The Soap Opera Concludes (1.29.9)
•Cigarette Santa (6.5.9)
•AT&T Kills Babies and Harvests Their Organs To Make Fiber Optic Cables (7.8.9)
•Throwback: Grass Ceilings (7.13.9)
•JQA and the Journal (7.20.9)
•Tumblr Thoughts (8.4.9)
•(A Long-Winded Book Review) Jesse James: Last Rebel of the Civil War (8.6.9)
•Ode To California’s Newest Resident (Californian #36,756,667) (8.8.9)
•Tumblr Thoughts II: Sequels Always Suck (8.10.9)
•“Goddammit, I’m a bear, bitch!” (8.11.9)
•“When tears and toils and conflict will be unknown” (8.22.9)
•Enough (9.21.9)
•Playing Favorites (10.3.9)
•Once Upon A Time (11.3.9)
•Real-life Superhero (11.11.9)
•11.22.1963 (11.22.9)
•Synodus Horrenda (11.24.9)
•“The light has gone out of my life” (1.13.10)
•The Elegant Mr. Arthur (1.14.10)
•Red Card (1.17.10)
•“What have I done?” (1.27.10)
•Empty Chairs (1.28.10)
•201 (2.12.10)
•Alexander Haig (2.20.10)
•Camel Clutch, Part I (2.23.10)
•Camel Clutch, Part II (3.3.10)
•Camel Clutch, Part III (3.18.10)
•Reviewing Michael Moore’s “Capitalism” (3.11.10)
•In Search of New Adjectives (4.13.10)
II.
You might find these links funny because these were instances in which I was attempting to be funny:
•Janet Napolitano’s Lego-Person Hairstyle (12.2.8)
•Don’t Talk To Me On The Train (12.3.8)
•Obnoxious Things To Do With Butter (12.14.8)
•David Carradine Was A Naughty Girl (6.8.9)
•The South Will Rise Again (6.21.9)
•“Not the slut, the middle one.” (6.25.9)
•Old Gay Guys (7.12.9)
•Amber Alert (7.12.9)
•Reno Has The Worst Flag In The History of the World (7.15.9)
•Redemption (7.20.9)
•Throwback: Things I Dare Keith To Do (7.22.9)
•To The Mexican Girl In The Mustang At The Chevron Station (7.24.9)
•Band Names and Album Titles, Part I of CMXXXIX (7.31.9)
•The (In)Famous Jump Rope For Heart Shirt (8.8.9)
•The “N” Word (8.22.9)
•Devious Dolphins (8.26.9)
•Kennedy Funeral Liveblog, Part I (8.29.9)
•Kennedy Funeral Liveblog, Part II (8.29.9)
•Kennedy Funeral Liveblog, Part III (8.29.9)
•Kennedy Funeral Liveblog, Part IV (8.29.9)
•Psychoanalyzing Anaïs (9.1.9)
•Pride (9.8.9)
•Keith’s Craigslist Adventure, Part I (9.8.9)
•Keith’s Craigslist Adventure, Part II (9.8.9)
•Too Soon? (9.11.9)
•The Land of Misfit Boys (11.29.9)
•Race War (12.4.9)
•CNN Disaster Relief (1.15.10)
•Erica’s Marine Biology Discussion (2.8.10)
•Presidential Last Words (With Special Commentary!) (3.14.10)
•Rock, Paper, Scissors (3.20.10)
•Whale News Network (4.6.10)
III.
These links are the worst of the worst — almost certainly the most offensive things I posted when I was a mean, mean man. Parental caution is advised, unless you are a teenager in which case you probably shouldn’t tell your parents about these because they shouldn’t let you read it:
•First Human Contact of the Day: A Damaged Conversation Between Anthony & Keith (1.23.9)
•Tasteless (5.11.9)
•Sandymarker_101@hotmail.com Is A Cunt and I Hope Her Children Die In A Fire On Her Birthday (6.6.9)
•There’s Something About Laci (6.7.9)
•Classic Conversations, Volume I (Starring Anthony & Keith) (7.9.9)
•Classic Conversations, Volume II (Starring Anthony & Keith (7.12.9)
•Classic Conversations, Volume III (Starring Anthony & Keith) (7.20.9)
•Mean-Spirited Nonsense (7.22.9)
•AIDSCast: Starring Anthony & Slim (7.26.9)
•“How in the hell can you abort a baby 2 years of age?!” (7.27.9)
•Another Dissatisfied Customer (7.30.9)
•Tumblrcast: Starring Anthony, Slim & Keith (8.2.9)
•“Are you Asian or do you have Down Syndrome?” (8.4.9)
•Natural Skittles (8.8.9)
•Osh Kosh B’Gosh (8.12.9)
•Please Get Mesothelioma and Die Tomorrow (8.13.9)
•LaciCast: 90 Second of Serious Discussion Surrounded by 45 Minutes of Laci Peterson Jokes, Starring Anthony, Keith & Slim (8.23.9)
•The Burn Victim Soldier, Part I: Nothing Is Sacred (8.26.9)
•The Burn Victim Soldier, Part II: The “Apology” (8.26.9)
•The Burn Victim Soldier, Part III: Fly Away Hypocrites (8.27.9)
•A Collection of Jokes From God Himself (9.12.9)
•A Haiku For My Newborn (9.18.9)
•Alternate Titles For My Haiku (9.18.9)
•AIDS Jokes About Burn Victims (9.29.9)
•“You’re a fucking hypocrite.” (10.15.9)
•Four Paragraphs About Horse Fucking (10.12.9)
•Classic Conversations, Volume IV (Starring Anthony & Keith (10.28.9)
•Racially Inappropriate Comments From Lincoln’s Statue (1.19.10)
•Mo’Nique’s Oscar Snub (3.7.10)
IV.
I don’t know how to classify these links. Let’s do ourselves a favor and consider this Miscellaneous:
•January 20th (1.20.9)
•Flames and Buckshot (1.30.9)
•Quote, “News”, Unquote (1.30.9)
•I Didn’t Mean It That Way (3.19.9)
•Hot Blind Girl (3.23.9)
•I Hate Your Guts (4.5.9)
•An Addendum To “Hot Blind Girl” (6.8.9)
•Shocking News: Anthony Makes A Mistake (6.14.9)
•Free Donte (6.17.9)
•It’s 101 Degrees Right Now… (6.29.9)
•Post Midnight Ramblings/Autobiography (7.15.9)
•Offending A Random Gay Guy, Part I (7.20.9)
•Offending A Random Gay Guy, Part II (7.20.9)
•Away Message (7.25.9)
•Comandante (7.25.9)
•Hi Honey, I’m Home (And Filipino) (7.26.9)
•Sagan’s Pale Blue Dot (7.27.9)
•The President, The Professor, and The Police Officer (7.30.9)
•Teachable Moment (7.30.9)
•Life Perspective by Anthony Bergen #1 (8.13.9)
•Life Perspective by Anthony Bergen #2 (8.13.9)
•Girlboner: Anthony’s Jump Rope For Heart T-Shirt (8.14.9)
•Put In My Place By A 15-year-old (8.17.9)
•The Handbook of Freemasonry (8.21.9)
•Violence In Oz (10.26.9)
•What Does Anthony Bergen, George W. Bush and Karl Rove Have In Common? (12.8.9)
•Evolution of the Tumblr Villain (1.6.10)
•Pillow Talk (4.9.10)
•Tweets For The Future (4.15.10)
•So, I Finally Saw Avatar Last Night (4.27.10)
