I rarely have anything important or interesting to say, but if I do, you can usually count on me to say it in a fairly entertaining way. For the most part, I will use this blog because it seems like a fun thing to play with. Like the rest of my phases, this will likely burn out quickly. Instead of a blaze of glory, however, it will simply smolder until someone steps on it like an irritating fire just begging to be extinguished.
Metaphors are for assholes.
"I'll publish right or wrong: Fools are my theme, let satire be my song." - Lord Byron
E-mail me: bergen.anthony@gmail.com
I also write about Dead Presidents
Man, two years ago, I would have publicly posted approximately 600 jokes that go along with this.
Sadly, I’m attempting to be a legit historian/author with Dead Presidents and AND Magazine, so all I can do is post the fact that I want to make jokes about this, am making jokes about this in my mind, and that anyone who knows me well can probably figure out 80% of those jokes if they think about it for a few seconds.
B.o.B. (feat. Lil Wayne): Strange Clouds
I hate when Weezy represents his colors (hey, it’s just a neighborhood thing), but I’ll let it slide on this track and on No Love.
life:
Stars Reveal: Best Holiday Gift I Ever Got — TLC’s ‘Little Couple’
Dr. Jen Arnold (right):
“The best Christmas gift I ever received was a beautiful doll house that was as tall as me when I was about 10 years old. It was white, four stories, and filled with antique furniture. It was beautiful and so detailed with everything from a toilet to dishes…. As an adult I heard that my parents, grandmother, and aunts worked all night putting it together (hanging wallpaper, painting, arranging the furniture), which makes it worth so much more!”
Bill Klein:“As a child, my favorite Christmas gift was a custom-made 12” bicycle. My father and grandfather went into Manhattan to seek out a bike made just for me. It was dark blue, with a tan seat, white pedals and a hand brake. It folded in half for easy travel and I could reach the ground with both feet. It was the bicycle I learned to ride on two wheels with. As for my best gift ever… Santa and his reindeer/stalk have yet to deliver it, but I’ve been as nice as I can be, and hopefully my wish is on his list this year and next. :-)”
Of course, I would have had no idea what Twitter was when I was younger, but if I did, and someone told 8-year-old Anthony this, I would have been amazed.
Same thing with 11-year-old Anthony, 14-year-old Anthony, 17-year-old Anthony, 23-year-old Anthony, 27-year-old Anthony, and ever year in between.
As for 31-year-old Anthony? It’s STILL really fucking cool. Shawn Michaels rules!
I know it’s stupid and childish, and probably a little offensive, but it still makes me laugh that I called my fantasy football team AIDS, so that when you check out my players, it says “STATUS: AIDS”.
I’m dumb. We know this.
I saw something today about how people are outraged that E! spent $17 million on Kim Kardashian’s 72-day-long marriage, and how that money could have been spent to help a lot of people. It’s absolutely true, and I totally agree, but the person to blame isn’t Kim Kardashian. It’s the people who watch her TV shows, buy her shitty products, and snap up every magazine that she’s on the cover on just because she’s got a tremendous ass, made a sex tape, and is the daughter of the guy who probably hid O.J.’s knife for him (ALLEGEDLY).
But forget about Kim Kardashian and E! and that $17 million for a second. Actually, don’t forget about it — keep it in your mind as we make a comparison.
Do you realize that Avatar cost nearly $500 million to produce and promote? FIVE HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS. That’s a half-billion dollars. Sure, Kim Kardashian and E! could have fed a lot of hungry people and paid a lot of tuition for college students, but the money spent creating Avatar — which was basically a metaphor for American mistreatment of Native Americans/indictment of industrial greed and imperialism and the Iraq War/love story of the environment/and a little bit of aliens crossed with Smurfs — could have pretty much solved the economic crisis.
So, yeah, you’re an asshole if you give attention and business to E! and Kim Kardashian, but you’re an even bigger asshole if you bought a ticket or DVD for Avatar. The point I’m trying to make is this: the problem isn’t the 1%, it’s the 99%. The problem is US. We have all of power necessary to change these things, but we don’t.
Get Ready!
Why is Rita Ora not a bigger part of my life?
By the way, Rita is signed to Jay-Z’s Roc Nation label. Let’s be honest: we know Jigga seems like a really wonderful, faithful dude and I’m sure he’s really excited that he and Beyonce have a baby on the way, but could we really hold it against him if he decided to have a fling with Rita? I mean…seriously, it wouldn’t be possible to be angry with him. She looks like a young Beyonce combined with Gwen Stefani. It would be impossible to resist her.
Bratwurst Festival.
My birthday is the day of German Sausage. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Mine is National Popcorn Day and Child Labor Day. So I guess I could go to the movies and buy cheaply-made clothing.
Hoodie Hoo Day?? (Sometimes I get President’s day off instead)
National Butterscotch Pudding Day. YEEECH.
National Popcorn Day here
July 1 is … Creative Ice Cream Flavor Day and Build A Scarecrow Day
Whoa. Both so awesome.
Mine — January 20th — is National Buttercrunch Day. That would be the second-coolest day if there were 364 days tied for first.
(Source: dedo-gordo)
Wow…those weren’t the two words I was thinking. I don’t know what that says about me.
People are outraged at Jennifer Lopez, and with good reason. J.Lo had the AUDACITY to film a commercial for Fiat that represented her love for New York, yet she never actually drove a Fiat in the Bronx as the commercial insinuated.
I’m in complete agreement with those people who are giving J.Lo flak. If there is one thing that I want and expect — no, I’ll go even further — if there is one thing that I NEED and DEMAND from commercials is for them to be legitimate, completely authentic, 30-second-long documentaries.
Is that too much to ask? What’s going to happen next? Are film studios and television programs going to build elaborate sets and fake scenery instead of filming everything on location as it really happens? Why not just use fake dinosaurs next time you make a movie like Jurassic Park? Why not refuse to send Tom Hanks to space when he’s filming a move like Apollo 13? It’s a travesty. If Jennifer Lopez is cutting corners and this is an indication that entertainment and advertising are about to become fantasy worlds, who and what do I have left to believe in?
This is why the terrorists hate America — because J.Lo and Fiat filmed a commercial on a closed set instead of taking the easy step of hiring a crew, flying everybody to New York, driving to the Bronx, setting up a production perimeter, obtaining permits and special insurance, ensuring security, perfecting the shoot’s lighting and sound in a variable, ever-changing setting, and finding a way to control the atmosphere in a busy, hectic, urban area. Is nothing sacred?
I’ll tell you guys something — I won’t stand for it. I won’t sit for it, either. I pledge right here and right now that I will not buy a Fiat, and that’s 100% because of that phony commercial and has nothing to do with economics or sexuality. Congratulations, Fiat, you’ve just lost a customer.
In fact, I’m going to go even further. Jennifer Lopez could have made all of this right and she didn’t. I’m going to protest her. That’s right…I’m going to Occupy J.Lo.
